as this year draws to a close, i’m going to take a few moments to myself and just be here, in this moment.
i’m going to breathe deeply and savor every breath.
i’m going to be thankful for the people and things that surround me.
i’m going to love myself and all my imperfections.
and then i’m going to close my eyes and surrender to the passing of time, to the closing of a year.
goodbye 2008. i was here.
on the first day of the first month of the new year, i’m heading north, to rochester, new york. there, i’m meeting a friend and we’re heading north to niagara falls, ontario.
i’ve never been to the falls before, so i’m looking forward to getting away and taking in all of the natural beauty.
i’ll be off the grid until the fifth.
after a month of daily blogging, i am ready for a break from routines.
a year in associations:
my first real experience with death was the death of my grandmother, gram. i was eight and my little sister was two. i was deeply saddened by her death, but what i remember most was being mad. i was mad at god for taking her away. i was especially mad because i knew my sister wouldn’t remember gram, and i didn’t think that was fair.
so, as we were driving home after her funeral, i took out a piece of paper and wrote a short note to god. it said,
god, why did you have to take my grandmom? you should have waited until my sister was older. make sure that she watches over my family. love, heather. p.s. make sure you answer my question.
i remember folding the note and tossing it into the back of the car. i figured it would get to god somehow.
little did i know, my parents found the note and they shared it with my uncle, who happened to be a catholic priest. he also happened to write a weekly column in the catholic review. there, he answered my question to god.
my parents shared his response with me. at eight, i don’t know how much of it i understood, but i’ve looked back at it over the years and found some comfort in my uncle’s words. the last two paragraphs were always my favourite.
perhaps, the best answer to your question is to do what your father did with you. you went out one night and looked up at the stars and found a new star. that was gram. you knew gram was with god.
and so she is. gram is with god in spirit and with us in spirit. and when you and i die, and pass through the wall of death and come face to face with god, we will discover something beautiful. when we look at god, we will be able to see gram.
the words are late to come today, and few.
my sister convinced me to see twilight with her last night. it was her third viewing.
let me just say that watching that movie made me feel like a teenager again, in all the best ways.
(edward, i’m here waiting.)
christmas eve 1988: a story in two parts
[brook]
i was but a wee lass, still fully enraptured by the santa claus spell. i firmly believed – nay, knew as fact – that mr. claus would be scooching down that chimney sometime in the noctural hours, and that knowledge was enough to deprive me of any wink of sleep my young mind hoped i would obtain. that night when i went to my bed i was running on so much adrenaline that i planned out a variety of activities to help me pass the time, including coloring, writing a short story, and relentlessly playing with my poor sleepy hamster. when i couldn’t handle the wait anymore, i decided it was time that the entire family wake up and start the present opening. of course, at this point it was still the dead of night – probably around 1 or 2 – but that meant nothing to a young child with the christmas spirit! the first step was to wake the almighty sister.
i went to heather’s room and was swiftly rebuffed by a drowsy teenage angst that told me to go away and give it a few more hours. i went back to my room for about 30 more minutes and busted back in, and again she turned me away. what was wrong with this person?! santa came and there are presents just dying to be opened downstairs!! heather must have sensed the excitement dripping out of my pores, because the next time i came in something ground-breaking occurred: the girl who seemed to hold little more than contempt for her annoying little sister responded with “JUST.GET.IN”. she welcomed me into her bed! the walls had been breeched; my sister, the coolest being i’d ever known, had just willingly allowed me to hang out with her. i think it is literally the only thing that would have stopped me from going down those stairs and ripping into those gifts, no matter the time, or if anyone else was with me.
[heather]
at age thirteen, my christmases were no longer about santa claus. luckily, i had a little sister who was one of santa’s strongest supporters. after a spirited reading of, “the night before christmas,” my sister and i retired to our bedrooms for a long winter’s nap.
at approximately 2AM, my slumber was breeched. my sister was so excited that she couldn’t sleep. i told her it was too early and suggested that she go back to sleep. thirty minutes later, she returned. i sent her away again. the cycle repeated. finally, my sister had broken me down.
“JUST.GET.IN”
and she did.
i slept and she chattered about mr. claus and presents and reindeer and sugarplums and snowmen.
this remains one of our favourite christmas memories.
season’s greetings; peace on earth; holiday wishes
christmas eve always makes me think of m.f.g.
it was december of 1990 and we went to midnight mass with his family. as he drove me home later that night, we detoured through a few neighborhoods to take in the christmas lights and the holiday decorations. snow had fallen earlier that day and the world was soft and white and beautiful.
we stopped at a convenience store, and he left me in the car with the heat running as he picked up a pack of cigarettes. through the window, i saw him talking to a woman in the store and he turned and walked out with her. i didn’t realize what was happening at first, but as i saw him pulling the jack out of the trunk i realized that she had a flat tire and m.f.g. was going to change it for her. on christmas eve. in the snow.
he didn’t give it a second thought. he asked the woman to wait in the warmth of the store as he replaced her tire in the cold night air. when he had finished, she offered him money, which he refused, and so she gave him a big hug and mouthed a ‘thank you’ to me through the window. i smiled and waved to her and said, ‘merry christmas.’
she nodded back. and m.f.g. got back into the car, lit a cigarette, and drove me home. hand in hand, we sung along to the carols on the radio and as the snow started to fall, i fell in love with him and with that night.
there are many selfless acts that go unrecognized in the world. that one stays with me. i can’t help but think about it every christmas eve.
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