i was born at 12:35 on this day, thirty-three years ago. it was a thursday, three days after the full moon.
the older i get, the less sure i am about how i feel about birthdays. when i was younger, birthdays were celebrations bringing with them presents, and cards containing money, and cakes topped with buttercream roses. i’m sad to say that birthdays now seem less like a celebration and more like an annual reminder of my mortality and all the things i haven’t accomplished in my lifetime.
if you had asked me when i was 10 or 20 what my life would be like at 33, i can guarantee you that it would have no resemblance to the life i’m living. i’m supposed to be happily married to the love of my life; and have a few beautiful, above-average children; and a career that is intellectually stimulating and emotionally fulfilling. i’m supposed to be living a charmed life filled with beauty and love and magic. i’m supposed to be *that* person. aren’t we all?
birthdays have become my annual ritual of half-empty reflection. they remind me of all the things i’m missing; or all the things i think i’m missing. they bring me down and make me wonder if perhaps the universe is conspiring against me, never wanting to give me my ‘happily ever after’.
so here’s to you, universe. despite your twists and turns and karmic misadventures, these past thirty-two years have filled me with a lifetime of wisdom. true, i am not where i thought i would be, but my journey has taken me to people and places i never dreamed i’d see. my life is filled with beauty of another kind — of discovery, of surprise, of revelation — and i’m up for the challenge. it’s always darkest before dawn.
perhaps derek said it best, “this is my birthday plea to the indifferent universe. help me fight apathy with beauty. help me live a life i’m proud of…”
you and me both. maybe this is the year.
26 June 2008 at 10:58 am |
“they bring me down and make me wonder if perhaps the universe is conspiring against me, never wanting to give me my ‘happily ever after’”
heather, please trust me on this: this doesn’t exist. it’s not the universe conspiring against you. life is not a fairytale. think of how many people are stuck in unhappy marriages, or bogged down with children that they can’t devote enough attention to because they work 10 hours a day, or have jobs that seemed great on paper but aren’t all they are cracked up to be. nothing is ever close to perfect. aiming for perfection will just make it even more difficult to appreciate all of the wonderful things that already exist in our lives. you have so much to be grateful for — so many successes; you are loved by many, you are a unique smart beautiful and interesting person. and you are stronger than you know. please don’t think of this time as a darkness before the dawn — this is your life, and even if its not what you thought you wanted, it’s beautiful in its own way.
this birthday should be a celebration of all of these things; of life’s imperfections and the silly idea that we humans sometimes entertain when we think that what we have is not absolutely precious just as it is.
i love you, and i hope you have a great day today.
26 June 2008 at 11:17 am |
thank you for this. i know you speak the truth.
i try not to get bogged down by the fantasy of a perfect life. sometimes, though, the thoughts just creep in and birthdays seem to be a trigger.
i do have so much to be grateful for, and at the top of that list is always you.
my love to you, sis.
26 June 2008 at 10:19 pm |
For some reason I’m strongly reminded of a quote I read recently, which I have to paraphrase because I’m too lazy to figure out where I saw it to begin with:
“Getting lost is the best way make sure you visit a place you’ve never been before.”
And you know, maybe that’s the point in the end! Think of all we’d miss out on if our lives went down the only path we knew to see, when we were just starting out. All the side trips, tumbles, confused meandering…well, it is all part of an interesting journey, and we’d never have been able to imagine the details of what we actually end up experiencing. I often wonder how I came to be here, in this spot in my life. It is disorienting sometimes. But most of the time, I’m really glad my life has been more interesting than I imagined for myself.
I have the same mixed feelings about birthdays though. I’m six months older than you.
28 June 2008 at 11:56 am |
thanks for sharing, deb. when i step back and look at my life, i, too, am amazed to see the convoluted journey that has brought me to this moment. it is definitely more interesting than i would have imaged for myself! i’m trying to keep in mind that life is more about the journey than the destination.